A Funny Thing Happened.....

[Rudy]

A foursome goes out for a fine day of golfing. Two men and their wives. On the third tee, everyone hits a good shot except that one guy hits way to the right.
All four of them go looking for the ball. They eventually find it settled next to an old barn.
His buddy says " I've got an idea". " Why not open up the back door, and open up the front door, and play right through?"
So, they open the doors. The guy takes a monstrous swing. The ball goes up, hits a rafter, comes down and hits his wife in the head and knocks her dead instantly. Tragic!
Two years later, this guy is out with two male friends playing another 18 holes. On the third tee, he hits nearly the same shot.
They all go looking for the ball. One of his friends says, "Hey, I got an idea". "Why not open the back door and the front door and play right through?"
He says, Oh No No No! "The last time I did that, I got a seven"!!!

[Mark B]

Two guys are walking down the street and come across a dog with one leg in the air and licking himself. The one guy turns to his friend and while pointing at the dog says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" "Go ahead", says his friend, "But I'd pet him awhile and make friends, first!"

Mark

[dburt]

A man gets convicted on California's "three strikes and you're out" law, and gets sent to prision. The first couple of weeks, he is kept in an single inmate cell until an opening comes up for him in a double occupancy cell.
Every day, and even into the night he hears other inmates yelling out numbers, and then the whole prison explodes into laughter. He cannot figure out what is going on.

One day, while eating in the prison mess hall, he asks a fellow inmate what is going on, why does everyone laugh when someone yells out a number? The other inmate tells him that there is one joke book in the library, and everyone has memorized all the jokes and what pages they are on, and rather then yell out the joke, they just shout out the page number, and everyone who remembers the joke laughs.

Because he is bored out of his mind, the new inmate checks out the joke book, and begins to read and memorize the jokes so he too can "tell a good joke" like the rest of the inmates. Soon, he has a good number of the best jokes memorized, and decides that evening after lockdown that he will "tell a joke or two" himself.

When it is quiet, he begins by yelling out "153" and waits for the laughter to start. But the silence is overpowering- not even a faint chuckle or two!
He decides he did not yell out the number loudly enough, so he thinks he will try another one. "78" he shouts out, but no response. So he shouts out even louder ""214" but instead of laughter he gets the most deafening silence he has ever experience. Defeated and discouraged, he goes to bed.

The next day in the mess hall he looks for the oldest and hopefully one of the wisest of the old cons, and sits down beside him. He introduces himself, and asks the old con why no one laughed when he yelled out a number like the other cons did. The old inmate looks at him, shakes his head slowly and says "son, some folks know how to tell a good joke, and some folks can't"!

So, there must be a moral to this story- but it escapes me now!

[Phil Feinstein]

True story; I had a witness in the car with me

My wife and I were driving around doing a few errands and the kids were at home. On the way back, we decided to get a few burgers and bring lunch home for the kids. Went to Sonic and got 6 jr. burgers at a buck each and decided to add cheese to 3 of them since one of the kids didn't like cheese. The question I got was:
"So, do you want 3 burgers WITH cheese or 3 WITHOUT?"
Me, being me, answered:
"Yes"
There was a short pause and a muffled "THUMP" noise as the order taker's little brain exploded
(slight exaggeration, but the pause made the confusion palpable)

[Rudy]

Phil, That is a funny story. Please register on the site and come join us in the chat sometime. Do you have a bus? Rudy

[William Biffwinkle]

Hmmmm...can't believe Chuck hasn't told a few here. Here's one from years ago when he worked at a brake shop. Occasionally they advertized free brake inspections to drum up business. Usually it didn't get abused but sometimes it did. Since the guys worked contract it could really burn their time. Now i might be messing up the details here but the punch line should be close....I used to make him tell me this one when I needed a laugh....So I have heard it a few times....

In drives a big ol' caddy convertible. A flambouyantly dressed, stereotypical West Hollywooder hops out and demands his free inspection. Chuck puts it up on the rack checks it all out carefully and discovers it needs rear brakes. He asks the guy if he'd like the work done and the guy lets it slip that he's just thinking of buying the car and no, he doesn't want the work done. Chucks a bit irritated now so he caps it all up again, steps over to the lift control and says, "GOING DOWN....". Just then the guy notices some fluid on the bell housing behind the engine and says, "WAIT A MINUTE!! What's that fluid there...." Chuck glances at it and replies,"Well, it could be motor oil, or tranny fluid, or coolant from the radiator....but there's really only one way to tell....". "How's that?", the guy asks. "By tasting it..."says chuck. So the guy looks at Chuck and sees his oh-so-innocent-but-serious expression stands on his tippy toes and dabs his finger into the fluid and gives it a taste and then exclaims, "...EWWWW...PUTRID...WHAT IS IT!!!!?" Chuck looks at him and says quietly, "I don't know....but it looks like motor oil to me..." Steps back to the lift control, "...GOING DOWN...."

[Phil Feinstein]

Hey Rudy! I've been reading your thread (and many others) for a few a while now and I've been lurking for a number of years Old habits being hard to break and all that.

William, I had an experience similar. When I worked at a Honda dealer in North Plainfield, NJ I worked on a brand new '89 accord that the owner complained about intermittent stalling. It was a manual trans and, oddly enough, the first one that the owner had ever driven. I gave it a good once over and then wrote on the back of the work order "Stalling due to loose nut behind the wheel". I actually had the service writer come out and ask me how the nut on the steering wheel being loose could cause stalling

[Rudy]

Phil, That is hilarious!!! Keep them coming. Welcome to the bus family. Please register so that you can go to chat with us. We are a tight-knit group of like minded earthlings who may have to rally the wagons soon. We need each other. Rudy

[William Biffwinkle]

This just happened yesterday. We own a small store in a town of 180. We have a bulletin board in our entry so folks can keep up to date on things....

An old fellow that is 93 lost his wife a week ago so he took a 5 x7 card and scrawled out a few things he'd like to sell that he no longer needs...one of the items is Viagra for $1.00 a pill.

Some of the old widows are scandalized.... All the young guys are laughing their heads off....

[Dennis The Bus Dweller]

Thats great

[William Biffwinkle]

My wife always gets these emails from her female friends that seem to subtly put guys down(sometimes not so subtly). A guy friend sent this to me and I thought it made quite a bit of sense. This is all a gal needs to know about men methinks....



The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Most of which seem to portray men as stupid and oafish. Truth be known, men know there are two sets of rules and they don't get too worked up when theirs aren't followed so...this is probably the only set you will ever see....



Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note: these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Sunday sports.. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
JUST SAY IT!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.....See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, You probably are.......Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.



1. If it itches, it will be scratched....We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle....because, remember rule number 1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really!

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cars, the shotgun formation, or Basketball, or what gun to use for hunting season.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!



Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Rudy]

Thirty five years ago, this country was not such a paranoid place. I was a young man and went to see Stanley Kubrick's movie called A Clockwork Orange at a theater.
I went alone and was sitting next to a woman on my right. Apparently, I was bored with the movie early on. I fell asleep.
It was not until the end of the movie that I realized what had transpired. In my sleep, I had leaned over and rested my head on the woman's shoulder.
Upon awakening, at the end of the movie, I realized my imposition on my seat neighbor. I quickly apologized. She said that it was no problem.
To this day, I still marvel at the kindness this stranger showed to me.

[Phil Feinstein]

William, I've seen a bunch of the emails you're talking about and I've always let them slide until I saw one that was "Men are like...". That one got my dander up and I had to reply, so I wrote back:

Men are like car insurance; You complain about the cost but you're happy when they pull your ass out of a jam

I didn't hear anything back, so I guess I shamed them into being quiet or confused the heck out of them

[William Biffwinkle]

Phil....good job. I will have to quote you...

Some of those emails have had me pretty hot at times. I told my wife once after the latest uncontested witticism that If her friends really felt that way why are they married? and that if they didn't REALLY feel that way, why does every email forward have a little kick added to it like "So funny but SO TRUE!!!"

It is perhaps the nastiest form of cowardice i've seen. But since even our television commercials lampoon men in every which way, while Gloria Alred the self proclaimed defender of personal rights remains strangely silent, i don't expect much to change.

just try opening an "all male" gym though...

Fortunately, my wife is not a feminazi and see's the blatant hypocrisy in the popular sport of male bashing by this supposedly suppressed and discriminated against "minority"

[William Biffwinkle]

Oh, and the 93 yr old selling Viagra?

A couple of people have threatened to turn him in for drug dealing.....