Why do cows wear bells? Because gongs are too heavy.
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? Lost
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Light it on fire.
A Funny Thing Happened.....
Moderator: TMAX
My daughter wants to date the invisible man- what could she possibly see in him??
The Baptist preacher was delivering a blistering sermon on the evils of drinking. "If I could get all the wine in the world, I'd pour it into the river, if I could collect all the beering in the world, I pour it into the river, if I could get all the whiskey in the world, I'd pour it into the river, and it could all flow out to the sea never to afflict man again!" Loud "Amens" and "Preach it brother"" filled the church as he sat down.
The choir director stood carefully, and said in a weak voice- "Our closing hymn is No. 365 'Shall We Gather At the River?"
"Hey Grandpa, can you croak like a frog?" asked the 6-year old to his elderly grandpa. "Why should I croak like a frog?" asked the grandpa.
"Because momma said when you croak, we are going to Disneyland!"
A sign posted at the Wilder, Idaho cemetary- "No plantings without permission from the cemetary district"
The Baptist preacher was delivering a blistering sermon on the evils of drinking. "If I could get all the wine in the world, I'd pour it into the river, if I could collect all the beering in the world, I pour it into the river, if I could get all the whiskey in the world, I'd pour it into the river, and it could all flow out to the sea never to afflict man again!" Loud "Amens" and "Preach it brother"" filled the church as he sat down.
The choir director stood carefully, and said in a weak voice- "Our closing hymn is No. 365 'Shall We Gather At the River?"
"Hey Grandpa, can you croak like a frog?" asked the 6-year old to his elderly grandpa. "Why should I croak like a frog?" asked the grandpa.
"Because momma said when you croak, we are going to Disneyland!"
A sign posted at the Wilder, Idaho cemetary- "No plantings without permission from the cemetary district"
Nice try, Rudy, I like your answer to #2 better than the original, heh! Thanks for playing!
Why do cows wear bells? ...because their horns don't work...
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? ...a stick...
How do you make a Kleenex dance? ...blow a little boogey into it...
What does the Invisible Man call his mother and father? ...his transparents...
...I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger...then it hit me...
...To write with a broken pencil is pointless...
...somebody stop me...
Why do cows wear bells? ...because their horns don't work...
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back? ...a stick...
How do you make a Kleenex dance? ...blow a little boogey into it...
What does the Invisible Man call his mother and father? ...his transparents...
...I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger...then it hit me...
...To write with a broken pencil is pointless...
...somebody stop me...
~(G)Q Arduously Avoiding Assimilation
At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank.
They let three goats loose in the school.
But, before turning them loose, they hung cardboard signs with the numbers 1, 2, and 4 printed on the signs around each goat's respective neck-
School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
(This sounds like something Rudy would have done when he was a kid!)
They let three goats loose in the school.
But, before turning them loose, they hung cardboard signs with the numbers 1, 2, and 4 printed on the signs around each goat's respective neck-
School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
(This sounds like something Rudy would have done when he was a kid!)
Denny, I was clever back then.dburt wrote:At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank.
They let three goats loose in the school.
But, before turning them loose, they hung cardboard signs with the numbers 1, 2, and 4 printed on the signs around each goat's respective neck-
School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
(This sounds like something Rudy would have done when he was a kid!)
Got love? Give love.
Once there was a fellow who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them. Of course, he wasn't always safe to be around after a bowl or two, but as he lived by himself, he'd gotten used to his own stink and stench, and wasn't "offending" anybody.
One day in the early spring, he met the girl of his dreams, and they eventually fell in love. She was such a sweet little thing however, he knew she'd never be able to tolerate the gas, and so;, he gave up the beans and they were married.
After they had been married about 3 months, she called him at work to tell him that she was planning a surprise for him and wouldn't be able to pick him up from his job that afternoon. As he only lived a couple of miles from work, and it was a beautiful summer day, he told her it was alright, he'd just WALK home after work.
But as he walked out of the plant that afternoon, he caught the familiar aroma of baked beans coming from the cafe across the street. Temptation was too much, and he yielded to it, walked in, sat down and had his fill---4 bowls worth.
Starting home, he could already feel the pressure building up a bit, but figured a 2-mile walk to his home would give him ample time to "clear his system." Didn't take too long either.....a little "rip" here, and a little "fr-r-r-r-ra-a-a-ap!" there, as he went along. By the time he got to the house, he thought he'd pretty much "exhausted" himself.
His lovely young wife met him at the door with a kiss and a blindfold. She quickly tied it around his head, led him into the dining room and sat him down in his usual chair. Just then, the phone rang. "I'll be right back" she said......"Now DON'T PEEK!"
His stomach was starting to rumble again. The phone was 2 rooms away, and she'd be on the phone at least a minute or two, so he seized the opportunity by the horns!
Rolling over on his left "cheek" he cut one loose, long and loud. Quickly shifting his weight onto the other "cheek" he broke wind again, in "championship form", filling the air with the great green mist!. Hearing his wife's telephone conversation coming to a close, he stood halfway up in his chair, bent his knees slightly, and with one final, mighty blast, he nealy blew the back out of his pants! But he DID pretty much get the worst of it out of his system.
He eased back down into his chair as if nothing had happened, felt around for his napkin, and was fiddling with his fork when his wife walked back in. She put her hands on his shoulders and asked if he had peeked. When he assured her he had not, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise..........twelve dinner party guests, politely seated around the dining room table, including the pastor and his wife from thier church!
How do you spell 'embarrassed'?
One day in the early spring, he met the girl of his dreams, and they eventually fell in love. She was such a sweet little thing however, he knew she'd never be able to tolerate the gas, and so;, he gave up the beans and they were married.
After they had been married about 3 months, she called him at work to tell him that she was planning a surprise for him and wouldn't be able to pick him up from his job that afternoon. As he only lived a couple of miles from work, and it was a beautiful summer day, he told her it was alright, he'd just WALK home after work.
But as he walked out of the plant that afternoon, he caught the familiar aroma of baked beans coming from the cafe across the street. Temptation was too much, and he yielded to it, walked in, sat down and had his fill---4 bowls worth.
Starting home, he could already feel the pressure building up a bit, but figured a 2-mile walk to his home would give him ample time to "clear his system." Didn't take too long either.....a little "rip" here, and a little "fr-r-r-r-ra-a-a-ap!" there, as he went along. By the time he got to the house, he thought he'd pretty much "exhausted" himself.
His lovely young wife met him at the door with a kiss and a blindfold. She quickly tied it around his head, led him into the dining room and sat him down in his usual chair. Just then, the phone rang. "I'll be right back" she said......"Now DON'T PEEK!"
His stomach was starting to rumble again. The phone was 2 rooms away, and she'd be on the phone at least a minute or two, so he seized the opportunity by the horns!
Rolling over on his left "cheek" he cut one loose, long and loud. Quickly shifting his weight onto the other "cheek" he broke wind again, in "championship form", filling the air with the great green mist!. Hearing his wife's telephone conversation coming to a close, he stood halfway up in his chair, bent his knees slightly, and with one final, mighty blast, he nealy blew the back out of his pants! But he DID pretty much get the worst of it out of his system.
He eased back down into his chair as if nothing had happened, felt around for his napkin, and was fiddling with his fork when his wife walked back in. She put her hands on his shoulders and asked if he had peeked. When he assured her he had not, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise..........twelve dinner party guests, politely seated around the dining room table, including the pastor and his wife from thier church!
How do you spell 'embarrassed'?
I never knew this....
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow...Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people!
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow...Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people!
ezrablu
1991 Bluebird International
360 DT - 6 Speed
1991 Bluebird International
360 DT - 6 Speed
They walk among us-
I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where?"
They walk among us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'..
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'.....
(I work with professionals like this.)
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
A TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Say what??
I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?"
One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where?"
They walk among us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'..
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'.....
(I work with professionals like this.)
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
A TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
Say what??
A little of this and that-
"While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'"
*****
"As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'"
*****
"Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'"
******
"Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!"
******
"On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'"
*****
"Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'"
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
"While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'"
*****
"As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'"
*****
"Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'"
******
"Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!"
******
"On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'"
*****
"Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'"
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely..... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............
Warning to all, don't sleep with your computer, you might roll over and break the LCD screen, or at least that happened to me, funny now but, if I hadn't purchased the if you drive over it with your truck insurance from Best Buy it wouldn't have been. It wasn't the strangest breakage, they claim getting dropped out of a helicopter ranked pretty high as well as parachuteing, but there is a Air Force Base close by, so could have something to do with it, at least yaw got a couple weeks rest, but I am back now.
James in da GRAYDAWG
James in da GRAYDAWG
I ONCE WAS A MIGHTY GREYHOUND
I THEN GOT OLD AND RETIRED
I LOST MY SEATS AND GOT A NEW GIG
I AM NOW A HAULIN SOME OLD DAWGS &
I BECAME THE GRAYDAWG
I THEN GOT OLD AND RETIRED
I LOST MY SEATS AND GOT A NEW GIG
I AM NOW A HAULIN SOME OLD DAWGS &
I BECAME THE GRAYDAWG
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 31 guests